"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11
This post is an important extension of my last blog post. I know in life there will always be nonbelievers, naysayers, and not nice people who feel my sexual assault at age fourteen was a direct result of my irresponsible behavior and I deserved what I got. I have tried to speak out before privately with friends who felt that exact way. That kind of attitude is why so many girls and women suffer silently with this type of assault. To be blunt it is a horrible way to view a type of violation that robs you of your sense of safety, steals your self esteem, leads to anger, hatred, and trust issues, and finally can cause all types of self harm behavior.
The verse I opened with Jeremiah 29:11 was one of the many I looked over today. To be honest when I first read it, I questioned God as to why he let me get hurt at such a young age if His plans were not to harm me and to give me hope and a future. My assault at such a young age did harm me. It led to even heavier drinking as an attempt to mask the shattered mess I felt like inside. Which in turn led to two more sexual assaults, the last of which was the hardest to handle. It also partially led to my decision to stop attending Church. I have been a lifelong believer in God but for a long time I was very hurt and angry and could not understand why God disliked me so much that he would cause that to happen. After the birth of my second child, I started attending the local Lutheran Church and began repairing my relationship with God. After my divorce, I stopped attending Church but continued my relationship with God on a more private level.
I also opened my Bible App on my phone today to a quote that said...
" Pain is a teacher, grace is the lesson."
Once again I found myself questioning God. I asked Him how in the world pain could ever teach grace. So I looked up what the Bible says that grace means. This is what I found...grace is free undeserved favor, love, and kindness toward humanity. How am I supposed to show these things to others when I'm still so scarred by the pain? But that's the point. I've always been as kind hearted as possible because when you feel that level of pain, you don't want to be the cause of someone else feeling like that. God has no plans to harm us but we need to know pain to show grace, I was somewhat confused by this idea and unsure what God needed me to know. Then I asked God to help me understand.
During the worst of my illness, God showed me a lot. The first thing he showed me as I lay in bed, body still to exhausted to function without assistance, was very vivid, life like "movies" of every one I have ever hurt, every sin I have ever made, and everything I needed to fix. It was as if I was reliving the moments which is why I likened it to a "movie." The second thing he showed me was that He doesn't "cause" us anything, but He will "allow" us to experience things. He does what Jeremiah 29:11 spoke of. He has no plans to harm us but he does need us to experience pain, which won't necessarily harm us, so we can extend grace to others. We won't understand grace without first understanding pain and we can't extend grace if we don't understand it. I'm sure to a lot of people this seems like a simple truth but to me, who has been harmed and hurt on such a deep level it is easy to lose sight of God's reason for allowing us pain and suffering.
During my recovery from my illness, while my anxiety was still heightened from the allergic reaction to Doxycycline, my head was constantly spinning with a million thoughts. My ex-husband suggested writing them out in an attempt to keep my thoughts from overwhelming me. It really does help and I highly recommend it to people who deal with anxiety and depression. I had already been journaling for years but this was a little different. I kept a notebook with me and wrote basically every thought as it came through my mind. They were on hyper speed so it involved a lot of constant, fast paced, writing and shorthand. I later went back and looked through those writings and saw two more lessons repeated quite frequently. The first, baby steps are fine as long as we don't give up and quit stepping all together. The second lesson on repeat was... One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, and one second at a time. So what I concluded was even if you're living second by second and baby steps is all you can manage, it's good with God. You don't have to be out sprinting in a marathon, you just have to keep going and not give up and stop all together.
"In the surrender to God, we find our truest
self."
This is another quote I saw today. This is one hundred percent factual. Since the day I gave up my own will to live and let God take the wheel in my life, things have turned around drastically for me. Toward the end of July, I made the very hard decision to leave a relationship with my ex-husband that as hard as we both tried, was toxic for us both and just not working out. I had to witness yet again the pain I was causing in my children and grandchildren's lives and that is a pain unlike any other. Since leaving, anything and everything that could be considered a road block to my success on my own has been happening. Out of fear and frustration, I once again told God, I surrender and to please just let His Will and not my own be done in my life. Things were still hard and I don't necessarily have all I want but my every basic need has been taken care of every step of the way thus far and I'm certain as long as I continue to ask for His Will in my life, things will work out as God needs and how He desires them to be. This has in turn strengthened my relationship with God.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.". Proverbs 4:23
To me, this sounded like a warning to keep my heart locked off like it has been for forty years. I did a little research and what I found didn't necessarily fit with completely locking your heart so as not to get hurt any further. What I learned is that Biblically, your heart is the center of your choices, thoughts, and actions. For me personally, my heart is where I feel God speaking to me. Since my illness and total surrender on an almost daily basis of my own will, I have noticed when God has something He desires me to do He will continually impress upon my heart that it needs done and for myself, I can tell the difference because that urgency stays with me until I finally say, okay God I get it and then follow through with what He has placed in my heart to do. After that, a feeling of calmness fills my heart and mind. The other thing I learned about that verse is it is telling you to not lock your heart, but to pay close attention to what you allow in your heart and mind because it shapes your future. I take this to mean stay focused on the fruits of the spirit and the things you know of God to be true. From what I have learned, "and the greatest of these is love." God is love. From notes I took before my illness, Ephesians 4 says... Be: humble, gentle, patient, bearing with one another in love. Also: get rid of bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and every form of malice. With malice being defined as: a deep ill will, a corrupt inner motive, or a desire to do harm or cause ill will to others. One of my favorite Bible passages before my illness and still is now is Corinthians 13. It teaches that love is the most important Christian virtue and talks about what love is which makes sense because God is love.
My notes from before my illness also include this...
The enemy attacks where we are the weakest. As a child, who thought I was untouchable it was my heart and mind. Today, those are still my weakest spots as is the case for a lot of us. My notes go on to say... God allows the attack to alert us to areas that are weak or wounded. Here is the good news though...what Satan uses to intend to destroy us, God transforms in beautiful ways to also use but not to harm us like Satan, but because His love for us runs deep and is unconditional. He uses those things Satan tries to destroy us with for beautiful things. So while Satan wants to harm us, God does not and His plans are to give us hope and a future. Those plans are beautiful and loving because...God so loved the world that He gave His only son. Could you love in that way? Do you love that deeply? No, as humans most of us can't even imagine loving on that level, but God does and He did that for us so that one day we may rejoice in Heaven alongside Him and Jesus.
Yes, I still have a long way to go to heal my mind and heart. Yes, I still have a long way to go spiritually and on my walk with God but I rest easier knowing that God doesn't expect perfection and overnight success from me and He is fine with baby steps and second to second as long as I keep moving and don't give up or give into the lies of Satan.
May God bless you today
and everyday
and may He keep you in
His loving embrace,
Christie
"God's Princess"
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