"My story is not a what to do story, it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't listen to God."
If you have had a chance to look over Verse #6 in the devotional section, you will understand that the above sentence was something God impressed upon my heart so I put it in my phone so as not to forget it. I have always had what I consider a unique relationship with God. In short, it involves always believing, usually feeling what He needs me to know, but true to my stubborn ways, seldom listening to what I should have, God's will for me. I have had many journals in my lifetime that all had one theme...anger, hatred, bitterness, and pain. My hatred for life and myself came at the hands of a stranger when I was still a child. I grew extremely bitter from the anger that had taken up home in my heart. I lived in severe mental as well as physical pain. That last part has not changed, it may never will, but what has changed in me is my heart.
I burnt most all the journals full of anger and pain in an attempt to move on to a new and better version of myself. It is not what finally broke me. I saved the journals I had Bible verse upon Bible verse written in as well as more positive thoughts that I choose to believe came directly from God. This morning during my coffee with God, which I started after I became allergic to cigarettes and had to quit smoking. Before that my morning routine was coffee with cigarettes. This morning I opened one of those journals to see this...
"The enemy attacks where we are weakest. (Me...My heart) God allows the attack to alert us of an area in us that is weak or wounded. An area that He wants to heal and strengthen."
I was then directed to Proverbs 1:23. "If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you."
Next came John 3. It was brought to my attention in the form of a private matter of the heart that I may or may not share somewhere down the road but for now, it's best left between God and I.
In John 3, Jesus speaks about the spiritual rebirth needed, that comes through the Holy Spirit, to enter Heaven. My research led me to read that a heart transformation is needed to enter Heaven as well. It's not enough to just have good morale values and follow religious rules, there must be an inner change.
I started to tell the story of what broke me and caused the inner change of my heart in Verse #6, but God had other plans and I accidentally deleted the story. So I did what I try to do most of the time since my entire life changed, and took a deep breath and told God, okay not my will but your own God. So Verse #6 went the way God impressed upon my heart for it to go. This morning He is impressing upon my heart to summarize what caused my inner change.
For personal reasons that I firmly believe were in the best interest for all involved, I decided to give up the third attempt to make our marriage work since our divorce in 2022. It was not a decision I made lightly. I knew I was going to be hurting my family again. Jump ahead just a bit, and I because of my own doing, found myself homeless, not one penny to my name, and scared to death. It was then that I threw up my hands and told God I was done. I could not survive another second and please just let His will be done in my life. I gave up completely and told God he was going to have to take over because I was really making a mess of things on my own. God did step in and he gently reminded me He had been carrying me the entire time. My whole life if you look back at it. He reminded me of the friend who called out of the blue one day and provided me a safe place to stay for a while. He reminded me of how my mom stepped up once again and offered help. He reminded me of the unexpected money that showed up when I was absolutely penny less and He reminded me of the unexpected friend who came in the form of a stranger to prove to my heart, that not all strangers are bad and want to hurt you.
God opened my eyes and my heart. My heart still has a lot of healing and growing to do but the first step has been completed. I no longer trust my own will and desires and will forever turn to God for his wisdom and guidance. I want nothing more than His will to be done in my life. That I believe is the first and most important step a person can take in there life.
May God bless you today
and everyday,
Love
Christie
"God's Princess"
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