It is now September 30, 2026, final day of a hard month. I just reread my last post from September 6, 2026 and all I can say is we serve a most awesome God! I haven't felt emotionally or physically up to writing since my last post and today God has placed "baby steps" in my heart to write about so I had to smile when I reread in the last post I had been speaking of baby steps. Our God works like that though. When you take a pause and look close enough you'll always see how God has been working in your life. It's the pause I'm so guilty of not taking often enough.
I live with severe chronic generalized anxiety disorder. When you're busy overthinking everything you forget to pause, step back and breathe, and calm your mind long enough to really see and feel God. I first spoke about the worst of my illness from the tick bite and how that is when God impressed upon me baby steps being such an important part of not just recovery but everyday life as well. On the sixth of this month I wrote about forgetting that. Today I remember because God stepped in and reminded me.
I was wrong in thinking I had seen the worst of my illness. The worst came after the sixth of September and concluded this morning when my ex told me I was okay, surrounded by people who love me and have my back always, so I didn't need to panic. My reply was, "I know that but I can't live with myself for how I have hurt every single one of them for the last four years." Then I cried. Those tears were the first I've been able to shed in a long while. It was only a couple weeks ago I was telling God I wanted to cry but just couldn't. True to how He is, He answered my prayer and real tears fell this morning.
I have lived a life full of mental and physical pain. Living that way you have to almost shut down just to survive. It's a way of finding a small bit of relief. When you shut down from feeling you seriously risk hurting the ones around you who love you and who do still feel. It's not intentional but happens none the less. That has been my case for four years now. Hurting everyone within reach of me and not understanding that because I have been so shut down. God once again used my pain and recent illness to open my eyes but more importantly my heart.
Within days of the sixth, I found myself very sick. I had been living in a home for about two weeks where my housemates smoked. I'm allergic to smoke since that nasty little tick got me. I believed I'd be fine if I just stayed in my room away from it, I was very wrong, again! When I found myself sick, I did what I always do and reached out to my ex whom I had left once again just a few months prior. True to how he has been for over thirty years now, he picked me up and brought my fleeing heart home. That man has been and always will be my anchor. Along with the anxiety, I live constantly in fight or flight mode. Unfortunately my first instinct when I face something hard is to fly. My ex has known that our entire relationship and even when I couldn't see what I was doing, he has brought me back home when he didn't have to.
I think I had been home a couple weeks when I told my ex I couldn't remember anything we had been doing. I think I slept most of my first part home trying to fight the allergic reaction to the smoke. Then the physical pain kicked in. Severe body wide muscle spasms along with constant surges of electric shock like feelings going from my toes to my head. I was so shaky as well, with almost constant anxiety attacks. My ex did some research and we decided it could be my medications for the different issues interacting and causing the symptoms. So I toughed out somewhere around three days on the floor breathing and fighting off the pain. Waiting to see if stopping the medicine helped. Then, once again, God pulled the rug out from under me. He had been trying to talk with me and true to my first instinct, I wasn't listening. I was convinced I was being punished by God for not following the path He wants me on. This thought was reinforced by Scripture I had been seeing regularly in my reading during those hard weeks.
Then, four days later, I awoke in a hospital two hours away from where I remember laying down. My family has pieced me in on some of what they were witnessing. What I was experiencing is what I might imagine to be similar to an acid trip. When I had the days of esophageal spasms, I spent hours witnessing movie like images that felt like you were actually living in and watching at the same time. In earlier writing, I explained, it as being shown every wrong you have made that needs immediately corrected. When the spasms stopped and I was able to, I began correcting the wrongs the way I felt in my heart they were supposed to be corrected. I know now, I was correcting some wrong and God wanted to clear a few things up with me. This time he used a severe infection with a Kidney GFR of 40 showing sepsis as well.
There were no movies playing this time. This was actually living through a direct correction and instruction session. Never witnessing God but knowing of His constant presence. There were living family and friends involved as well as deceased ones. It was "game" like and in order to win I had very specific things to do. I had specific traumatic lessons to experience and learn from. I was given directly what I am to stay focused on to remain "grounded" and a specific verse to focus on and recite in order to win the ultimate prize. John 3:16. I was instructed not to stop there. I was to follow on to John 3:21. I was to write it down and keep it because my memory is an issue. The ultimate prize: a beautiful lit up white cross.
I am not here to teach or preach. I am here to share. That's all. Just open up and share my experiences, my truths as I see them. God will take care of the rest. Ultimately we all have our own lessons to learn anyway and God will show you your lessons. The path He desires for you will be revealed if only you listen. I, get confused by my mental and physical challenges sometimes and can't find my way. Every time God has stepped in and shown me my path.
Today, I wept. Just like "Jesus wept"
I am human. So often, I get it wrong. I hurt people I love and wouldn't wish hurt on ever. It's about knowing, feeling, and apologizing when you hurt someone even if unintentionally. It's about baby steps and at least trying to keep going. God doesn't promise easy. He promises His hardest battles to His toughest soldiers. We all have a cross to carry. Just stayed focused on John 3:16 and the one true cross on which the Son endured pain and shed his blood to cover our sins. That's love. To be there, endure, and pay the ultimate price to ensure those we love our covered.
May God bless you always
Christie
"God's Princess"
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