"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit,
but in humility consider others
as more important
than yourself."
Philippians 2:3
Philippians 2:3 is instructing us to not let our deeds be done just to make ourselves feel like we are better than those around us. It calls us to check ourselves and our motives behind what we do. It's a reminder to pause and think, am I doing everything I do for my own selfish ego? I recently had it pointed out to me that yes, I needed humbled.
Humility as defined by Google means an accurate, modest, view of one's own importance coupled with a focus on others rather than oneself.
To humble yourself, in a more Bible based definition, means to surrender your pride, drop your self-reliance, and submit your life completely to God's authority and will.
The Internet went on to say you have to accept the fact that you are human and deeply in need of God's grace. Then you need to stop trying to control every outcome or fix every problem. Finally you need to see yourself accurately in the light of God's greatness rather than think less of yourself. I struggle greatly with the last criteria.
After the worst of my illness, while my anxiety disorder was heightened by the reaction to the Doxycycline, I did as my ex-husband suggested and I wrote down all the thoughts that were swirling around in my mind. One particular phrase was on repeat and it stood right out to me. "Humble yourself" I began to think and God began showing me through my Bible readings, I in fact was not a very humble person. Everything I had been doing most my life, I needed to do absolutely perfectly and on my own. I was doing it in an attempt to love myself. My self-hatred has always run deep. It comes from not properly handling childhood trauma. Instead of dealing with my trauma, I stuck on a "nothing bothers me" mask.
(At this very moment I feel I am being humbled again. I just accidentally deleted the second half of this story. I see this as an opportunity to breathe, listen, learn,trust, follow, and obey God. I think He might have something different for me to say.)
During my research on humility and humbling yourself, one sentence lept out at me. It stated..." If you do not humble yourself, God will take drastic measures to do it for you." I just spent most my day writing, rewriting, and typing out my entire testimony of how God stepped in and humbled me because I wasn't listening and doing it myself. I have a suspicion the entire story isn't what is important since I pressed cancel instead of save. I feel what is important to tell you is outwardly, I tried to portray a humble person, but inside I first of all would never admit I needed or ask for any help. Since childhood, I have had to do everything on my own. Second, I absolutely wanted to fix every problem that came my way. This was so I wouldn't have to focus on my own inner problems. I never have been able to recognize my worth as a creation of God's. My self hatred ran to deep. Finally, I was chasing after my own desires and not letting God's will be done in my life. That is all the exact opposite of the Biblical description of humility. We can fake a lot of things and fool a lot of people but we can never fool God. He knows our hearts better than we do.
I have been on top of the world with excess money and brand new cars and I have been to rock bottom. I love the song that says "there are many roads that lead to rock bottom..." People, I am hear to testify that is absolutely without a doubt one hundred percent the truth. There is only one way up from rock bottom and it involves grabbing hold of the rock and trusting it to lift you back up. My rock is God and I've had to lose everything in order to trust that His will is enough to lead me where I'm supposed to be.
One day after my illness, when I was a little stronger, a thought came to my mind so I typed it into my notes on my phone and started to write a few things about it. The thought was this..."My story is not a what to do story, it is a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't listen to God.". At the time I was still at home with my family around for physical support and I didn't quite know the depth of just how true a statement that was. I'm no longer with my children on a daily basis, I've lost most all my personal possessions, and I'm struggling to get by day to day. I'm missing my children tremendously, and I'm learning to handle life threatening health issues completely on my own with no one close by to ask for help if I need it. This is a direct result of choices I have made in life. I made the choices I made because I believed they were in my best interest, but my choices have hurt a lot of people. God has still seen fit to show me his grace and his mercy and provide for me every step of the way even though I have done nothing to deserve it other than finally surrender my own will and my own desires and cry out to God to lead me from hear on out.
God does and will provide your every need. It most likely won't be your every desire but He will see fit to provide you your needs. It takes something from you though. It's not one hundred percent free. It takes you admitting you just aren't getting it right left to your own free will. It takes asking, or in my case begging, God to take over. Telling Him you want nothing more than His will in your life. But here is the catch...it has to be genuine. It has to be heartfelt. God knows you better than you do. He can't and won't be fooled.
So I'm going to leave you with one question... Have you truly humbled yourself before the Lord?
May God bless you
today and every day
Love,
Christie
"God's Princess"
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